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Well, finally

It finally happened - I've fallen for Charlotte.  It took over two months, but better late than never.  I was beginning to think that I really am defective in some fundamental fashion: that I could go through all the obligatory motions without the emotional involvement that I see in other people.  But you know what - I've actually achieved affection.  Not gushy, cooing, complete absorption, inability to be involved with anything else affection; but sincere "I want to make you happy" feelings.

Mind you, at the moment she's loud, fussy, and not particularly endearing.  I'm referring to overall.

Of course this happens when I'm within a week of going back to work.  Typical.



( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 25th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
Congratulations! You're a mommy! You know I'm a devoted parent and have always loved kids, but even so, I have never yet experienced "inability to be involved with anything else" and neither have any of my mama friends, so you're fine. (I think the only thing in my life that engenders that "inability" thing is reading.)

Of course this happens when I'm within a week of going back to work. Typical.
Yeah, just when they get interesting and adorable you have to go back to work.
Nov. 25th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking of some co-workers and acquaintances who are incapable of having a conversation about anything but their children...

Good thing I've gotten attached, she's being particularly hateful today.
Nov. 25th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
I don't know that you're all that late. Everyone functions/develops at their own pace - a phenomenon you'll become intimately familiar with now that you have a child.

I'm happy that you've achieved bonding. In my case the bond grew as L grew. Once she started to become a little self sufficient my stress levels lowered enough for bonding to increase and then once she was able to actually communicate with me it leaped ahead light years.

I hope going back to work doesn't cause you too much stress. I'll admit, I freaked out for a week or two and had to go visit L at lunchtimes in order to get through the day. I was lucky that her daycare was right next to my office building.
Nov. 25th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
I'm looking forward to language acquisition. I think that will be fun.

So far I'm okay with the daycare concept. It's about 30 minutes away from the office, so it'll be cold turkey. I discovered on Saturday that in this case absence does make the heart grow fonder, so hopefully all will be well. We'll know on Monday!
Nov. 27th, 2008 04:53 am (UTC)
Ugh! That big monolith of a corporation you work for doesn't have in-house?! That's something that should be brought up with Human Resources. Even if the ajority of your employees are men, a) guys have babies, and sometimes like having them around, and b) their wives/partners may not work for big companies, and the whole family would be happier if the little tyke was in daycare someplace immediate to one parent.

Glad to hear you like her. She's cute! Maybe I can see her sometime around Christmas?
Nov. 28th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
They're working on it. It's been something that employees have been asking for as long as I've been there, but the liability exposure for the company is terrifying. They finally worked something out, and they're in construction right now. It should open in a year or two at this point. Ironically, at the moment it looks like they'll be more expensive than the place we're currently signed up with.

Besides, my department is off-site. So even if it were open, I'd be 30 minutes away. The place we're using abuts the campus, and is extensively utilized by my coworkers. So if we're back on campus before the in-house stuff opens, I'll still be close enough to stop by for lunch.

We'd love to see you! We can show off the new renovations, and, well, we always love to see you. Just give us a call.
Nov. 25th, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)
Ohhhh! *hug* I knew it would happen. It's SO unfair that there's this myth in society that makes you think Babylove is "love at first sight". In my experience it's not, because it's a process that goes SO much deeper than surface love. It's huge, complicated, all-encompassing love that takes time to wrap your head around. It's a scary kind of love and I don't trust people who say they feel it "right away".

It's also really HARD for people like you & me to get through the early baby stage. We are perfectionists who want to get things RIGHT, and baby nurturing is an art, not a science. No book prepares you for it. You have to just DO it, and it takes time for both of you to grow into your roles.

You sound like you've GOT it though, & I am so happy for you!! Seriously. Not enough exclaimation points to convey the happy. ^_^

I just found the perfect gift for Charlotte on Etsy...something you'll love too. I think. ;-)
Nov. 25th, 2008 08:58 pm (UTC)
Also, as I get more sleep, I become a nicer person. That helps. I'm not a morning person, and I'm just mean when I'm sleep deprived. I think it's been distressing my mother a bit - *she* is absolutely besotted.

While I'm sorry that I'm going back to work just as I'm getting fond of her, I think that getting back into my routine will help by leaps and bounds. A little piece of normalcy back in my life.
Nov. 25th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
That's great, I'm relieved on your behalf.

But you know, even if it had never happened, I would NOT have thought you unnatural and likely yelled at anyone who did because it would just offend me so damn much. I'd think it was sad, for you and for Charlotte, but as the person I am, I know there's nothing 'wrong' with a person who doesn't love another person just because they gave birth to it. After all, it's a stranger, and not necessarily anything you planned or ever desired. To me it's no more unnatural than being unhappy to have a loved-one turn up on your doorstep unannounced when your house is dirty and you were trying to nap.

Still, I'm happy. Obviously. Once you have a kid you're keeping, even though it's not unnatural to be unable to connect, it is kind of tragic to be unable to like it on a continuing basis.
Nov. 25th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
"Unnatural" may not have been the right word - I'm sneaking computer time, so I'm not polishing my language as well as I usually like to. But you got the idea.

I'm finding it interesting that I hear from my friends (now) "yeah - that's about usual" when all of the assorted books and media push the immediate attachment concept. I have to wonder why that is.
Nov. 25th, 2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
I'm glad. :)
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )