I didn't write the below piece - I'm not that clever. I first ran into it when it was a joke going around the fax machines, but it's been one of my favorites ever since. It's not really cold enough to post it yet, but I can hope.
The coldest air of the season is soon to enter the United States. As a public service, I am providing the following temperature table to show you the effects of and help you deal with the arctic blast.
(Degrees Fahrenheit/Celsius)
+50 / +10
New York tenants turn on the heat.
Minnesotans plant gardens.
+40 / +4
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans sunbathe.
+35 / +2
Italian cars don’t start.
+32 / 0
Distilled water freezes.
+30 / -1
You can see your breath.
You plan a vacation in Florida.
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
+25 / -4
Boston water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
+20 / -7
Cleveland water freezes.
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA.
Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts.
+15 / -1
You plan a vacation in Acapulco.
Cat insists on sleeping under the covers with you.
Minnesotans go swimming.
+10 / -12
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
You need jumper cables to get the car going.
0 / -18
New York landlords turn on the heat.
Minnesotans grill brats on the patio. Yum!
-5 / -21
You can hear your breath.
You plan a vacation in Hawaii.
-10 / -23
American cars don’t start.
Too cold to skate.
-15 / -26
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Miamians cease to exist.
Minnesotans lick flagpoles.
-20 / -29
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
People in St. Paul think about taking down the screens.
-25 / -32
Too cold to kiss.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
Japanese cars don’t start.
Minnesota Twins head for spring training.
-30 / -34
You plan a two week hot bath.
Pilsner freezes.
Bock beer production begins.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
-38 / -39
Mercury freezes.
Too cold to think.
Minnesotans button top button.
-40 / -40
Californians disappear.
Car insists on sleeping in bed with you.
Minnesotans put on sweaters.
-50 / -46
Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
Minnesota Vikings practice indoors.
-60 / -51
Walruses abandon Aleutians.
Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season."
Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens.
Boy Scouts in St. Claire start Klondike Derby.
-70 / -57
Glaciers in Central Park.
Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets.
Duluth snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie.
-80 / -62
Polar Bears abandon Baffin Island.
Girl Scouts in St. Claire start Klondike Derby.
-90 / -68
Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro.
Lawyers chase ambulances no more than ten miles.
Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer.
-100 / -73
Santa Claus abandons North Pole.
Minnesotans pull down earflaps.
-173 / -114
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
-297 / -183
Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere.
Microbial life survives only on dairy products.
-445 / -265
Superconductivity.
-452 / -269
Helium becomes a liquid.
-454 / -270
Hell freezes over.
Chicago Cubs win World Series.
-456 / -271
Texas drivers drop below 85mph on I-35.
-458 / -272
Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions.
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases.
Minnesotans admit that it’s getting a mite nippy.
