kls_eloise (kls_eloise) wrote,

Winter Weather Chart

Since the holidays have everyone so quiet, it's up to me to be amusing.  Given that my family is from Minnesota, and I grew up in the snow belt in upstate New York, I always find it amusing to listen to the native Nutmeggers here in Connecticut bellyache about what they call "winter."  Heh.  They tell the same joke about the places my family has lived - there are four seasons: almost winter; winter; still winter; and road repair.

I didn't write the below piece - I'm not that clever.  I first ran into it when it was a joke going around the fax machines, but it's been one of my favorites ever since.  It's not really cold enough to post it yet, but I can hope.

The coldest air of the season is soon to enter the United States. As a public service, I am providing the following temperature table to show you the effects of and help you deal with the arctic blast.

(Degrees Fahrenheit/Celsius)

+50 / +10
New York tenants turn on the heat.
Minnesotans plant gardens.

+40 / +4
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans sunbathe.

+35 / +2
Italian cars don’t start.

+32 / 0
Distilled water freezes.

+30 / -1
You can see your breath.
You plan a vacation in Florida.
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.

+25 / -4
Boston water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

+20 / -7
Cleveland water freezes.
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA.
Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts.

+15 / -1
You plan a vacation in Acapulco.
Cat insists on sleeping under the covers with you.
Minnesotans go swimming.

+10 / -12
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
You need jumper cables to get the car going.

0 / -18
New York landlords turn on the heat.
Minnesotans grill brats on the patio. Yum!

-5 / -21
You can hear your breath.
You plan a vacation in Hawaii.

-10 / -23
American cars don’t start.
Too cold to skate.

-15 / -26
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Miamians cease to exist.
Minnesotans lick flagpoles.

-20 / -29
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
People in St. Paul think about taking down the screens.

-25 / -32
Too cold to kiss.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
Japanese cars don’t start.
Minnesota Twins head for spring training.

 -30 / -34
You plan a two week hot bath.
Pilsner freezes.
Bock beer production begins.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

-38 / -39
Mercury freezes.
Too cold to think.
Minnesotans button top button.

-40 / -40
Californians disappear.
Car insists on sleeping in bed with you.
Minnesotans put on sweaters.

-50 / -46
Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
Minnesota Vikings practice indoors.

-60 / -51
Walruses abandon Aleutians.
Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season."
Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens.
Boy Scouts in St. Claire start Klondike Derby.

-70 / -57
Glaciers in Central Park.
Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets.
Duluth snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie.

-80 / -62
Polar Bears abandon Baffin Island.
Girl Scouts in St. Claire start Klondike Derby.

-90 / -68
Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro.
Lawyers chase ambulances no more than ten miles.
Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer.

-100 / -73
Santa Claus abandons North Pole.
Minnesotans pull down earflaps.

-173 / -114
Ethyl alcohol freezes.

-297 / -183
Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere.
Microbial life survives only on dairy products.

-445 / -265

-452 / -269
Helium becomes a liquid.

-454 / -270
Hell freezes over.
Chicago Cubs win World Series.

-456 / -271
Texas drivers drop below 85mph on I-35.

-458 / -272
Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions.

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases.
Minnesotans admit that it’s getting a mite nippy.


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