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Coming to peace

I spoke to my vet this afternoon, and made The Appointment.  It's the right thing to do, but it feels like hell.

Nishka's resting what seems like comfortably, or it could just be that the painkillers knock her for a loop.  I suspect a combination of the two.  Instructions are to dose her two to three times a day, but I notice that at the end of an eight hour shift, she gets restless and fidgety like I do when I'm in pain, so I'm dosing her three times a day.  She goes off and sulks for a while afterwards.  She'll take a bite of food here or there, but she's hardly getting a mouthful over the course of the day - and that's with the appetite stimulant.  That is what assures me that I've made the right choice - I can let go, or I can starve her to death slowly.  When you put it like that, decisions become easier.

She's stopped grooming, so I got to clean her fuzzy little butt this evening.  She didn't much like that.  Hopefully she'll forgive me in an hour or so.  Shortly I'll move her up onto the couch so she can spend the evening with the family.

Becket is entirely freaked out, but there's not much I can do about it.  At my vet's suggestion I'm going to start dosing him with Rescue Remedy in the hopes that it will take the edge off his anxiety.  The thing that breaks my heart is them wanting each other, and not getting it because they can't wrap their little pea brains around what's happening.  This, like so many other things, will pass.

I made it through today and was able to talk about it without crying, so I suppose that's a step.

The insane part?  As much as this hurts (and it always hurts to let them go,) I'm going to do it again.  As cold-hearted as it may sound, while she's still with us, I've started the search for a kitten.  He's a shit sometimes, but Becket is too social a boy to be alone as much as he would be if we don't add another cat.

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Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
bytchearse
Jun. 3rd, 2013 11:15 pm (UTC)
You're doing the right thing, all around
I urge you to stay with Nishka until she's actually gone. It's really REALLY hard, but I've loved all my "kids" too much to leave them in strange room and watch Daddy walk away. The last thing they should know is you holding them and your love.

Speaking of love, you also love Becket enough to make sure his needs are taken care of...which you would be doing by getting him a companion again.

Hang in there.
jofglastingburi
Jun. 3rd, 2013 11:47 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. It's a hard thing to do, but you don't want her to suffer.
isabeau_lark
Jun. 4th, 2013 12:44 am (UTC)
Oh, hon I'm so sorry. Give her a scritch for me tonight. I still remember her trusting me enough to rub her tummy the first time I came to Middletown.

There's nothing cold-hearted about making sure Becket has a friend. If you were anything approaching that, your heart couldn't be breaking over Nishka. She's a very lucky kitty to have had 17 years with you guys.
kamau_d_lyon
Jun. 4th, 2013 01:16 am (UTC)
You are doing the right thing and feeling the right things. It hurt like hell because you love her but that same love makes you want to stop her pain.

Just as you, I've been through this many times before. The last time, and what connects me with your feelings now, was doing the same thing for my father's dog two days after Dad had passed. We had been putting it off in hopes of Dad seeing him one more time but that never happen. Even as I write this I'm tearing up but I know he and Dad are together now.

Feeling the pain as you do simply speaks to your love of Nishka and your thinking about another cat speaks of the same love for Becket.

Spend that time with her as you plan. Give her that love and let her comfort you at the same time. We have to let our four legged family go so many times in our lives and it is gut wrenching hard every time.

I wish I could reach out and give you a comforting hug but all I can do is assure you of my thoughts and prayer.
vynehorn
Jun. 4th, 2013 11:19 am (UTC)
Never doubt that you're doing the right thing. It's incredibly hard, and I'm not looking forward to the time when I have to do it for my boys, but it is the right thing.

Please give Nishka a scritch or kiss from me.
lucianus
Jun. 4th, 2013 12:45 pm (UTC)
I will echo what everyone else has said that you are doing the right thing, keeping her comfortable and easing her transition as much as you can.

We too have had the situation of a sociable boy now on his own. We had thought to get Gaston a kitten of his own (any kitten really would be Gaston's kitten) but we are holding off for now because a check up found that his kidney levels are somewhat elevated. We're going to see how this plays out for the moment.
oocdc2
Jun. 4th, 2013 07:04 pm (UTC)
I just caught up on the last three posts: god, I'm so sorry about Nishka. She is the cutest ball of fluff ever...

I don't think you're being cold-hearted to multi-task caring for Nishka and beginning a search--it's practical and loving, which you have always excelled at. Hang in there, and good luck.
kebbykate
Jun. 5th, 2013 05:38 am (UTC)
I'm Practical the Same Way
Did much the same sort of thing as our dog Callie started her final decline at the end of last year. Looked over some Rescue Groups, cruised PetFinder, etc. Got the new dog two months later.

So sorry about Nishka. I hope Beckett adjusts to the new companion easily. We're still working on that here.
galingale
Jun. 18th, 2013 02:01 am (UTC)
My eyes are tearing up.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )