kls_eloise (kls_eloise) wrote,
kls_eloise
kls_eloise

Thoughts on the Baronage

Having had a couple of weeks since the sew-a-thon/stress-a-thon, I’ve actually had a little bit of time to give this whole “baroness thing” some thought.

It’s not that I hadn’t thought about it – there was a LOT of thought before deciding to run, and then very specific thought during the ongoing Q&A session we had with the populace.  But those assessments were focused in very specific directions.  When deciding to run or not, the questions to be answered were “do we want to do this?” and “can we do a good job?”  During the Q&A, we were focusing on “what are our responsibilities” and “what can/should/do we need to do/do we want to do for the barony and populace.”

Nowhere in there did I put a ton of brainpower into “what does this mean for ME?”

My friend kass_rants will probably assess this as another episode of bird flu – I evaluated down to the minute details what I could do for everyone else, and it’s only just now occurring to me to evaluate what I need them to do for me.

Oops.

In my defense, I didn’t actually expect to win.  Did I want to?  Well, yeah!  Otherwise why bother?  But expect to?  Nope.  I’m not that loveable, so it came as a bit of a shock – which is how the three week sew-a-thon happened.  It struck me as such complete hubris to make fancy clothes for “just in case” that I couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t.  It damn near killed me to ask jtdiii to make me a pattern in advance because it just felt so *arrogant.*  Although to be scrupulously fair, I’ve been wanting a fitted dress for years now – this just forced my hand to actually do it.

All that lead-in aside – I’ve had a couple of quiet weeks to roll things around in this big empty head of mine, and look at it from various angles, and one thing keeps standing out: I have an entirely insufficient sense of personal entitlement to carry off what I want to do.  I remember that I used to watch Dinsdale and Aelfgiva wandering around at events and Pennsic and such entirely unattended – and it always withered my soul just a little bit.  We’re a laid-back group, and that’s a *good* thing, but when there is no behavioral clues to observe to tell you who the coronets are – maybe that’s gone a little too far down that path.

But here’s the rub – the idea of asking someone to do that for ME horrifies me.  The sheer, unadulterated conceit of thinking that someone wants to spend part of their day following me around stills my tongue entirely.  Even better, here’s where I get entirely schizophrenic about it – if another winning candidate had asked, I would have found that entirely appropriate and reasonable.  I just can’t do it for myself.

The current plan is that I’ll practice on my friends – they’re the people I would ask for help anyhow, and presumably somewhere in there I’ll find the words to branch out.  

Once upon a time, a friend of mine would have referred to this as “Insecurity Theater: Act 1, scene 3”  I’m going to aim to make this a one-act play.  We’ll see how it goes.

Tags: bbm, sca
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